Been Getting Paper

The Church of Keith Jackson

2009-08-10T09:52:00.000-07:00

So, once again, this site has felt the sting of neglect. I guess I just kind of ran out of drive to keep posting but things have changed. The blog that I wrote for thescore.com, the website that accompanies the television network where I work, has decided not to renew my college football blog The Church of Keith Jackson. Therefore I have decided to change the name of this blog, from The South Toronto Mixtape Exchange to Been Getting Paper (dunno why).

We start with what was supposed to be my 1st post about the 2009 NCAA football season. We will bring a twice weekly Church of Keith Jackson feature to get down on college football and we'll continue with whatever piques my interest for the rest of the time. Enjoy...

THE CHRUCH OF KEITH JACKSON

WHAT I DID ON MY SUMMER VACATION

Welcome home my flock.

The last time I left you we were heading in to our funny season. Winter sports have enjoyed their playoffs while baseball took off on a wild ride. Now just seven short months later we find ourselves at the precipice of NCAA football season, a time I like to refer to as Holy Time.

Summer two a days and inter-squad scrimmages are coming to an end the same way high school romances end at the end of senior year when grads move on to strange ass waiting for them at their freshmen year at college. But, like those doomed sweethearts, the end of the preparation is the beginning of the REAL THING. In our case the REAL THING does not mean the inevitable late night, drunken, mistake named Cindy from down the hall.

No our REAL THING is the college football season in the United States of America.

A timeless tradition dating back to leather helmets, real pig skin and smoking cigarettes on the field. Harvard-Yale, Ohio State-Michigan, Notre Dame-Navy, Miami-staying out of prison. Battles that have raged for what seams like eons. These traditions are the foundations of The Church of Keith Jackson. With every weekend that passes in August we pull closer to the sound of pads crashing together, whistles blowing play dead and Pam Ward’s manly voice mispronouncing the names of BIG 10 offensive linemen.

The lead in to the 1st weekend of action is almost as fun as the opening kickoff. It is in these waning days of summer that every school has a chance (that is unless you are Michigan) to win the coveted National Championship. Thursday September 4th is still a ways away but before the rankings descend upon the public for scrutiny we can look back at some of the stories that will shape the framework of the 2009 NCAA football season.

LANE KIFFIN IS CRAZY

Kiffin decided that before he even coached a game for Tennessee he would become the greatest villain the world has ever known. Kiffin has decided to recruit direct from both Arkham Asylum and the Memphis registered sex offender list. Kiffin figured that the top notch football of the SEC wasn't enough for people to stay interested, there had to be dramatics. There had to be a clear line between good (Tim Tebow) and evil (the vomit orange of Tennessee). I don't expect the Volunteers to do much this year other than make headlines for wrong reasons. This program won't be back on it's feet for another few years but they are capable of pulling an upset on a big name SEC power.

GOD SMILES ON CHARLIE WEISS

Some say god doesn’t watch sports, doesn’t care about the outcome. One look at Notre Dame’s schedule this year proves otherwise. Apart from the requisite games against USC, Michigan and Boston College, the Irish’ schedule is fairly light. On top of the light schedule, most of those requisite games I just mentioned will be played in South Bend. The Irish will have a good year.

SPURRIER HATES JESUS (TEBOW)

Overheard: “Fuck you God Squad”

An odd story emerged just a few weeks ago from the SEC. As selections were being made for the pre-season all SEC team everything was going along swimmingly. Delores Washmore was at her desk in a small office building located in the depths of the SEC offices (location unknown) counting the ballots. A pretty easy job considering she only had to record 12 votes for every position. This year Delores, and the rest of the SEC, was sure of one thing, that Tim Tebow would become the unanimous choice for all SEC quarterback. Only a funny thing happened. Delores only counted 11 votes for Tebow. The last ballot was a handwritten note that read, “I vote for the best goddamned quarterback in Gator history, ME!” The note was signed “BallCoach” and the return address just read “South Carolina”.

BOBBY BOWDEN AND JOE PATERNO ARE OLD (PART 62)

Imagine the smell!

Seriously. These guys are really old. I mean 161 years old combined, that’s more than half of America’s age. Like both of these guys were born in the roaring twenties. And they still rule over football rosters that are 80 players deep, sometimes more. People thought that what Tom Watson (almost) did at Turnberry was impressive. Watson is wet behind the ears compared with Paterno and Bowden.

URBAN MEYER GOT JOBBED

"See you start with the rub of the stomach THEN move on to the pat of the head."

Sure the Gator coach became the third highest paid coach in NCAA football. That’s all well and good, becoming the 3rd member of the $4 million dollar club ($24 mill over 6 years for Meyer) is no small feat. But I question why Meyer, who has won the last two national championships and pretty much revolutionized the college game, isn’t getting paid $5 million. Meyer’s influence on the modern college football offence cannot be understated.

EVERYBODY GOT IN TROUBLE THIS YEAR (PART I)

Don't taze me bro!

Every Florida Gator not named Tim Tebow was arrested and tazered this summer.

EVERYBODY GOT IN TROUBLE THIS YEAR (PART II)

I’m gonna need some help after class

The Florida State Seminoles are cheaters. I understand that. I have come to terms with that. But I feel that taking wins away from an old man is akin to taking away an old man’s pills. Just criminal.

So we wait now. Wait on the rankings to bestowed upon us, we who know that Saturday is truly the day of Sabbath.

BEST. SHOW. EVER.

2009-04-20T13:31:00.000-07:00

The State was an MTV show that aired from 1993-1997 and was by far the funniest show on TV at that time.

The State is releasing a DVD.

If you like funny things pick this up. Still don't believe me? Watch...

And...

Growing up IS hard...

Everyone wants to DIP THEIR BALLS IN IT! even Jesus...

Oh you Italians, when will stop being so funny...

Bacon Tastes Good

2009-04-13T11:26:00.000-07:00

Just ask this Japanese dude wearing a wolf hat.

This is pretty trippy/cool so enjoy while you fret how you're going to pay the postage to send your taxes. How the hell am I supposed to get money back from the government when I have to pay the government to ship my taxes? Fack.

Anyway enjoy.

Yakety Sax

2009-04-02T15:28:00.000-07:00

The Yakety Sax is a song written by Boots Randolph in 1963. An instrumental track; it gained popularity on The Benny Hill Show.

Classic. All you could ever want in British Humor. PerSONGified if it were. So why is this important you may ask? Well, other than it isn't, it is a great song to put almost any clip to. Example:

See King of New York right now.

Ok, kind of creepy but it's probably how Stanley Kubrick saw it in his head.

Just turn on the heat already. I'm getting hungry and a muscular mouse is a tasty one.

Stabby AND funny.

Is that how that commercial aired?

So we maybe in a recession/economic crisis. No matter how bad it gets just put it to Yakety Sax and make it all better.

enjoy.

Frozen Four

2009-03-26T16:41:00.001-07:00

I try not to make this blog about sports (mostly) because it's my job and I already blog about sports over there (here and here, shameless plug). But today I wanted to bring to the attention of all of you out there (all 2 of you) that The Frozen Four is kicking off this week. What in the hell is the Frozen Four you might ask? Well it's the NCAA hockey tournament, think of March Madness but for poor, white people.

16 teams from such schools as Yale, Cornell and Princeton hitting the ice, kicking ass and losing teeth. See up here in Canada the mystique of college sports is lost (except for Western) due, in my opinion of the prolifiration of minor hockey. I understand the business behind minor hockey and why it exists but Canadian college athletic programs, which should be built around the crown jewel of hockey, aren't able to recruit any Canadian talent because of the creep, leering, uncle that is junior hockey.

So I look south to right my hockey wrongs. Listen the NCAA isn't the cleanest orginazation in the history books but at least the kids have a sembelence of getting an education while being exploited. In Canada these kids miss out on the chance of a college education AND get pimped out across Buttfuck, Ontario and Nowheresville, Quebec.

Sports Rant 2009.

The games start tomorrow at 3 pm. If you're in the states I think ESPN Classic and ESPN U are carrying the games. If you're in canada the games are on LeafsTV. Tomorrow's games are:

Air Force-(4) Michigan at 3pm

(3) Denver-Miami of Ohio 5:30pm

Minnesota Duluth-Princeton 9pm

Personally I'm rooting for the University of New Hampshire. The Wildcats are kind of a dark horse to win but I know people who went there and my parents live the next town over, therefore I root for them. They also have Flyers prospect James Van Riemsdyk (12 goals, 15 assists and 2 game winning goal this season) and Phil Kessel's little brother!

Princeton also pretty good this year. Like my Tigers. Wonder if they'll use the back door cut in hockey? (skip to 3:30 if you must but the whole video is worth it)

So anyway if you're out there and you like hockey give the Frozen Four some love and tune in. Even if you don't like hockey, watch these games and maybe it will change your mind.

Here us the schedule and bracket:

Some highlights from last year:

Context is Overrated

2009-03-25T10:52:00.001-07:00

BEST. GIFT. EVER.

2009-03-12T09:23:00.000-07:00

Worked last night scripting highlights. Came home and there was a package waiting for me on the kitchen counter. It was from my Uncle Ross, a judge in London, Ontario. I had no idea what it could be. For sure I thought it was a book; probably military history, or something of that ilk.

So I rip the sum-bitch open and what do I find?

Oh god...so good.

What better way to say "you know what? I kinda dig that new President of ours" than a fucking gold rimmed plate? There is no better way, that is the best way to do that.

But now i'm afraid that I won't know where to stop. I fear that this may start a slippery slope of white-trash home decorations that will have my apartment looking like a trailer in no time. That is something I have no problem with...

What home is complete without the greatest drug dealer of all time?

2 words (one hyphenated). Aqua-fucking man. Wait that sounds kinda gross.

Pete Rose, you may haved bet on baseball but fuck it we'll give you a plate too!

Obama you're not the only president to get his own plate.

Kristi the Yamagooch, the greatest olympian.

So I guess the only thing I'm missing for my white-THRASH apartment is this...

I Scream You Scream We All Scream For Ice Cream!!!

2009-03-06T11:38:00.001-08:00

Great news today on this beautiful day here in the Big Smoke. Jim Jaramusch, famed director of such films as Down By Law (seen above), Broken Flowers, Ghost Dog, Stranger Than Paradise and the severly underrated Mystery Train, has released the trailer for his new movie The Limits of Control.

Sick. Can't wait. Jaramusch is one of my favorite directors and comes with some of the best scenes, the best dialouge and best movies of any director out there. Really looking forward to seeing this one...

Also last night saw this crazy French horror movie called Sheitan (Satan). It was good. In terms of horror flicks the French are quickly replacing the Japanese as the most fucked up.

Enjoy...

TO you got PWNED!!!!

2009-03-05T09:43:00.000-08:00

Hahaha. Terrell Owens, NFL wide receiver and general chump bitch, got his ass cut late last night by the Dallas Cowboys. As a fan of ONE of Owens' former teams (The mighty Philadelphia Eagles) I could not be happier that this team-killing tumor of a human being got released. No matter where Owens will end up he will, most certainly, end up pissing off the coach, offensive coordinator and his quarterback. Here are just some of Owens' highlights.

Bitch Move

The McNabb-Owens feud EXPLAINED! Nice to know that McNabb was right, bitches!

Candid talk of TO talking shit on Keyshawn...awww hell naw...

Enjoy...except you TO you fucking suck

Say NO to Reggaeton!

2009-03-04T12:57:00.001-08:00

An imporant PSA from Capone and Noreaga

Enjoy

BEST. STORY. EVER.

2009-03-04T10:45:00.001-08:00

This story contains, as Julie Andrews might say, a few of my favorie things...

Lesbians!

Weed!

Rectal searches!

White Nissans!

Enjoy.

That's It; I'm Moving to Detroit!

2009-03-03T12:21:00.000-08:00

I wish life were still actually like this...Let's travel back to the 80's!

Enjoy

Black Irish Bass Playing Lead Singers

2009-03-03T11:31:00.000-08:00

I don't want to make this blog about people's birthdays. We had Ric Flair the other day, mainly because the man is an American Hero. Today we have British guitar player Snowy White.

Now I don't know much about Snowy. I do know that today he turns 61 years old and his name is an adjective. I instantly like people who are named after weird parts of speech like verbs ("have you met my wife Kick?") or adverbs ("Often, no desert until you finish your vegetables").

I also know Snowy was the guitarist for the best rock band the world has ever seen/heard: Thin Lizzy.

They sounds just as good as they look

Thin Lizzy were a metal band out of Dublin, Ireland and were led by Phil Lynott. Lynott's voice and leadership directed the band to fame and fortune in the States. They also kicked A LOT of ass.

Take some time on this cold March day to rock the fuck out to some leather-pantalooned, Irish cock-rock!

Enjoy it!

Also in Metal news; Spinal Tap is getting together again to go on a "Unwigged and Unplugged" tour. Hope their accoustic guitars go to 11.

Movies That Have No Business Being Made

2009-03-02T13:58:00.001-08:00

This is what happens when they attack...

Haven't you ever noticed Chrisian Bale looks like Kermit the Frog?

And that this "2 NFL Players Lost at Sea" story reminds me of a juiced-up Gilligans Island...

Too soon? Enjoy#

Zach Parise; A Goddamned Superstar

2009-03-02T10:36:00.000-08:00

Let me preface the post with this; Hockey is for poor, white people. That being said at my job I tend to watch a lot of hockey, not only that I am, in fact, poor as well as white.

In watching all this ball-puck I see lots of different teams and basically every player. I get to see players and their very worst and their very best.

Zach Parise, New Jersey Devils left wing, this season has made a serious bid to achieve "Goddamned Star" status.

He's not European or French-Canadian (so the Don Cherry quota is filled). No, Parise is a true blooded American, and we all know these colors don't run...

If the flag says it, it's true!

Parise trails Alexander "commrade" Ovechkin for the league lead in goals scored by 8, Ovechkin has 46 while Parise's got 38. Parise is also 4th in the league in points with 77. I know I'm throwing a lot of numbers out there at you. So, instead, lets watch go to the video tape.

Just wanted to let the rest of the world in on the Zach Parise Phenomenon. Listen I know he won't win the MVP or whatever the fuck the trophey is called in the NHL. Ovechkin is way too good this year but if Russian attacked the United States and Canada and we deported all Russians back to their icy homeland Parise would win it.

Speaking of fan-athlete bromance a long time Eagle, Brian Dawkins, signed with the Denver Broncos over the weekend. The news has left 5 million Philadelphians in a state of shock. Life, of course, will continue but that's not to say Dawkins won't be missed.

Enjoy...

Does This Make Me Racist?

2009-02-27T11:10:00.000-08:00

I think this is really funny...

Best Rapper Alive? TUBESTEAK. Hands down. Watch him destroy David Banner...

You can't sell drugs in college!

Of course the legend that started it all...

You just knew TUBESTEAK wasn't going down without an appeal...

Not even the President is safe from TUBESTEAK's truth!!!

Enjoy\\\

Why Drugs Are Awesome

2009-02-26T22:56:00.000-08:00

In doing my "research" for my Ric Flair I came across this video and now I cannot stop watching it.

Yes that's Adam "I'm the real Batman" West and Jerry "I Slapped Andy Kaufman" Lawler.

Roll one up and enjoy.

WOOOOOOOOO!

2009-02-26T13:16:00.000-08:00

Today is the day everyone. It is the great one's birthday. In fact today is the man's 60th birthday. Obviously Ric Flair is the greatest wrestler of all time. Best on the mic, best in the matches and the best to ever make one of those "vignettes" (that's in quotations because it's too gay a word for me to actually know). So in honor of Naich's birthday here are some of the best videos I could find around the nets of The Nature Boy. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

When Ric Flair is in town things are taking place

To be the man, WOOOOO, you have got to beat the man!

Honey, you keep your mouth shut. I'm not taking off my clothes, I'm stylin and profilin'

Honey, I'm not gonna take you home no matter what you say to me! Woooooo!

He's the pied piper of Oklahoma City!

Nazi Killing Bears

2009-02-25T17:14:00.000-08:00

I read an article on-line the other day about a bear that was recruited by the Polish (who else?) army in WWII as a spy against the Nazis. The bear's name was Voytek. Now if you don't want to read the article, and I dont blame you because reading's for fags, here is a pictorial representation.

Voytek is born in Iran.

Nazis take over Europe

Voytek eats Nazis

America wins the war

Polish moms and dads name their kids after the heroic bear

There you have it...The story of Voytek the Nazi killing bear, in pictures!

mmm...delicious

2009-02-25T17:10:00.001-08:00

These pancakes are out of this world!!!!!